As I'm sitting here this morning, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. A bit too small and defeated...again.
I woke up late, which obviously means the girls did too. I had every intention of getting up early. I wanted to meet with the Lord to start my day out right, and I promised Raylynn I would get her up early to have some snuggle time before she had to get ready and leave for school.
I was really looking forward to that.
My heart is just aching this morning as a momma. A tired, worn out, flawed, defeated momma.
So the questions start rising up again...Lord, will I ever get where you want me?
Are you sure I'm the right one to raise another child? The one you have planned for us.
Will I do more harm and damage than good?
I just cannot seem to get this loving, godly mom thing right very often. My anxiety gets the best of me and I get overwhelmed...and then I loose sight of the Lord and His direction. I take off on my own path trying to get everything done in my own time and strength. And I end up here.....again. Feeling defeated. Today was going to be different. Today I was going to do everything right. Seek the Lord's direction all day. Stay exactly where He wanted me.
My naive little self. I woke up and failed instantly. I didn't have to! I could have chosen to seek Him and ask His guidance reguardless of how late I was running, but the fact of the matter is that I didn't. I cannot take that back or change it. Thank God for grace.
I'm not a bad mom. I love my girls and take care of them well. They just don't always get the best mom...the one God has intended me to be. It's really hard to explain unless God has moved in your heart about it!
Anyway, so here's where I'm getting at. I wanted a way to release all the negative so I turned to my blog. Told myself that the housework could hold off for a few minutes, I needed to get this out of me. As I'm sitting here...I've gotten up a good 10 times to break up a fight or get someone off the table before they fall off and I go into anxiety overload again. Take some eating utensils away from Adley, which caused her to go into her Irish fit throwing dance and slip and hit her head on the wall. I could go on and on and on. Normally, I would be stressed to the max and given up on this no good awful start to the day. Tell myself I've already failed...what's the point of trying to do it right? I'll start over again tomorrow, but I'm done falling into that trap. I can choose to let these small setbacks ruin my whole day, or I can choose to live in God's grace and keep going. Keep trying to get it right and seek His guidance. Today, I choose grace. Tomorrow I may fall back into the same trap, but today, I choose grace!
