Grace in Being a Momma

As I'm sitting here this morning, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. A bit too small and defeated...again.

I woke up late, which obviously means the girls did too. I had every intention of getting up early. I wanted to meet with the Lord to start my day out right, and I promised Raylynn I would get her up early to have some snuggle time before she had to get ready and leave for school. 

I was really looking forward to that.

My heart is just aching this morning as a momma. A tired, worn out, flawed, defeated momma.

So the questions start rising up again...Lord, will I ever get where you want me?
Are you sure I'm the right one to raise another child? The one you have planned for us. 
Will I do more harm and damage than good? 

I just cannot seem to get this loving, godly mom thing right very often. My anxiety gets the best of me and I get overwhelmed...and then I loose sight of the Lord and His direction. I take off on my own path trying to get everything done in my own time and strength. And I end up here.....again. Feeling defeated. Today was going to be different. Today I was going to do everything right. Seek the Lord's direction all day. Stay exactly where He wanted me. 

My naive little self. I woke up and failed instantly. I didn't have to! I could have chosen to seek Him and ask His guidance reguardless of how late I was running, but the fact of the matter is that I didn't. I cannot take that back or change it. Thank God for grace. 

I'm not a bad mom. I love my girls and take care of them well. They just don't always get the best mom...the one God has intended me to be. It's really hard to explain unless God has moved in your heart about it!

Anyway, so here's where I'm getting at. I wanted a way to release all the negative so I turned to my blog. Told myself that the housework could hold off for a few minutes, I needed to get this out of me. As I'm sitting here...I've gotten up a good 10 times to break up a fight or get someone off the table before they fall off and I go into anxiety overload again. Take some eating utensils away from Adley, which caused her to go into her Irish fit throwing dance and slip and hit her head on the wall. I could go on and on and on. Normally, I would be stressed to the max and given up on this no good awful start to the day. Tell myself I've already failed...what's the point of trying to do it right? I'll start over again tomorrow, but I'm done falling into that trap. I can choose to let these small setbacks ruin my whole day, or I can choose to live in God's grace and keep going. Keep trying to get it right and seek His guidance. Today, I choose grace. Tomorrow I may fall back into the same trap, but today, I choose grace!

Strength

"If my heart is overwhelmed 
And I cannot hear Your voice 
I hold on to what is true 
Though I cannot see."
Kari Jobe- Love Came Down

Lately my heart has been more than overwhelmed. 

I feel helpless.....

hopeless.....

lost.....

And way too small and weak for this calling.

You know what God keeps telling me though?

"Sasha, you are, but I am not.  I am just asking you to be my hands and feet."

You see, I often fall into the trap of trying to do things in my own strength.

Can I let you in on a little secret?

That does NOT work.

At all!

This adoption is absolutely impossible without the Lord. If it were me, I would turn around and run the other way as fast as I possible could. Not because my heart is not in it and not because I do not want to adopt. Because if you really know me you know that this is CRAZY for me. I am a very fearful, timid, unorganized mess! Honestly. I know I cannot do this on my own. Not even a very small amount of it. This is just not me.

But it is God and it is what He is molding into me! I feel blessed that He would call someone like ME into something SO big for Him. I can guarantee He knows something about me that I do not! I cannot see myself the way God sees me and I do not know me like He does! All I know is what He is molding into me. A heart willing to follow. And that is EXACTLY what I am going to do. I know I am going to stumble and fall along the way. Have days of doubt and fear and thoughts of giving up. But I also know Who my strength comes from. It is just the learning to ask Him that I am struggling with. It's a good thing I serve a God who is forgiving and patient with me as I take this new journey with Him!

By the way, Please forgive my lack of writing skills! I am coming to figure out I am really not that great of a blogger!

God Stories

Often there are stories that cross my path that just fill me with hope. Stories that I know God 
has brought to me and woven into my heart.

The last few weeks I have been contacting businesses on Facebook asking for donations for a silent auction that we are going to hold. One lady told me about her best friend who has adopted from Ethiopia 3 different times and she shared with me her story.



"Her first adoption in 2006/07 went fairly well. She started the process for her son in early 

2010. Soon after that time the adoption process in Ethiopia went through a dramatic shift and 

all adoptions were put on hold for so long, she had to reapply even though she had already 

received her referral for him. She fought - and I mean fought to the point of hiring a full time 

lawyer they sent to live in Ethiopia for months - to get him. Lots of corruption. Lots of sorrow 

and heartache. Lots of patience and faith. While in the process, they decided to apply for a 

second son they knew they wanted. It was a roller coaster, but after 2 long years, she brought 

home her first son in October 2012 and her second in December of 2012. She got to meet 

both of their mothers and heard their stories. Such sadness, but now so much hope. Truly 

wonderful. The boys are adjusting well. Her first son was a bit older (2.5) than he would have 

otherwise been had she not been confronted with all the obstacles, which raises some 

challenges. But she's an amazing mom and very capable. Her second son was still an infant 

when he came home. She feels very fulfilled and that her family is now complete. I hope the 

same for you!"



This story gives me hope because I know that no matter what, God has it under control. That 

no matter how long, or hard, or how many stumbling blocks are thrown in our way, we can do 

ANYTHING through Christ who strengthens us. 



Anything :)


This family had to fight hard for their children. They had to have a heart willing to follow! A 

heart that God is molding in me.


I am thankful for stories like this. Stories that I call "God stories." 

The ones you know without a doubt are sent from Him, just for you! To remind you to keep on 

pressing on. To remind you that no matter how discouraging or impossible the road ahead 

may be or seem, He is the Story Weaver. And He is using you and your story to weave into 

someone else's. To encourage and to lift up. I feel honored and blessed to be a part of God's 

story. To be a vessel. Even if I am so unworthy. He still blesses. I am 

praising God today for so much and praying you are doing the same! Let Him use you in any 

way that He wants because I can promise you that it is worth it all!

Our Why

It has been about a year that the Lord has been dealing with me about adoption. He has had to take too much time to get a whole lot of me out of me. I have had to come to the realization that this is not about me. It is all about having a heart willing to follow. Having a heart willing to serve. A heart willing to love beyond comprehension. All about dying to myself. And let me tell you, I am so very thankful that He continued to call. That He never gave up on me, but even more thankful that He never gave up on our child. Wherever it may be. I am so very thankful for that!

My husband, Donnie,  has never questioned the Lord’s will here. His heart has been ready for adoption for many more years than mine. It has never actually been that I do not have the heart for adoption or that I do not desire to adopt because I do. It has always been more about the fear of so many things within it.

How are we going to get into a home big enough? How are we going to pay for an adoption? How will it affect our lives and the lives of our girls? Will I love them as much as I do my biological children? Will our families love and accept them? Did you forget who you are talking to Lord? The list goes on and on and on. I had an excuse for everything and I let the Lord know them.

All He could say was, Do you know who you are talking to, Sasha? Haven’t I always taken care of you? Supplied your every need? Calmed your fears? Stepped in and took over when I knew you could not handle another second?

Yes, Lord. You have. Every single time.

So this is what I now know….I am ready to follow. My heart is finally there.

I know there are going to be trials along the way. Probably more than I could ever imagine.

I know it seems like a crazy, impossible journey.

But most importantly, I know this is what God is calling us to do.

Period.

So if you are wondering why. If you are asking all the same questions that I have….the answer is plain and simple.

Because God wants us to, and that is all that matters.

I ask for love, support, and prayers as we begin our journey through adoption!

Praying God blesses each and every one of you!